12. The one with the ladyboys (Patong Beach)

Phuket is known for its beautiful beaches and crazy parties. And when you want to really party like the world is going to end you go to Patong Beach. 

There is one main strip where the bars all converge into one giant party and you can find anything you want. If you want to find a guy on flaming stilts juggling three frozen flamingo dwarfs it is very possible this exists in Patong. 

So naturally Ryan and I had to check it out. 

Ryan reppin' the Leo

So after turning down about 646 ping pong show offers (if you don't know please don't ask), we met up with Alison and some other friends for a night of debauched out good old fashioned fun.

Not sure

We met at the Tiger bar which is way cooler than it sounds. We were sat at one of the many individual bars which is hard to explain but a very cool concept. Girls dance on the bar in front of you (real ones) and it's all Thai crazy fun. We got a couple buckets deep and wanted to see something different. 

Dude

Lady

Dude that tried to teach me muay thai

Got scammed at this game a couple times

Dude, where's my car?

This is the moment Ali decided to show us the ladyboy bar. Before I continue, this is very much a part of the Thai culture and everyone jokes about it at home or whatever but its really not cool to disrespect the ladyboys. They are working at the hotels, pubs and pretty much live normal lives. If you disrespect them most Thais will get defensive and want to protect their own no matter what. Some of them are pretty attractive and one could easily get tricked into bringing one home with you. I pretty much avoided Thai girls for the night just to be safe. 

Ryan is thinking about it

We ended up running into a drunken Australian dude that was beyond turbo wasted. Ryan tried to help him and he puked all over himself and Ryan was immediately black-balled just for helping the poor guy at every bar on the street for the rest of the night.   

Crazy Russian bar

Ali and I decided to soldier on as Ryan unfortunately dissipated into a cab and made his way back to Jen's. As the nights often do out here the bright lights turn into fantastical blurred lines and I can only guess how the next part of the night went. 

I guess we saw The Legendary Roots Crew

And Jimi

?uestlove?

As the neon signs slowly melted away into sunlight we found the bike and began our journey home. I looked to the horizon and made a quick and sneaky turn past the guards of a resort to catch the sunrise. As they yelled at us in Thai we just kept driving and it was all worth it to catch a couple pics here before they eventually found us and told us to beat it. 

Imagine waking up to that everyday. 

Right beside Jen's house we found an elephant. My camera died at this point but his name is Chungy and he was a cool dude. 

Chungy

The next day

I found a dinosaur! 

Peace from Patong Beach!
Daniel Double-u

Here for a good time, not a long time... (Koh Phi Phi Part 2)

In a perfect world, many occurrences would transpire. Booze would flow from the rivers and into the streets for general consumption. No single human being would lie, cheat, steal or kill. If one so chose, he could get paid to talk to women and be social with whomever seemed willing.

Of course this utopia is only a fairy-tale, which up until Koh Phi Phi existed only in my mind.

As I slowly recovered from the fiery activities from the previous night I found an easy bar on the beach to lick my wounds and self medicate as much as my now sunfried brain would allow.

Pretty sure I fell asleep on that bar

Pretty cool English, on the way out

And then I met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Before I continue, those that know me know I have a slight “girl problem.” In saying that, I mean I fall harder than Keith Richards hit his father’s remains. I do not have permission to use her name but I told her she would appear on the blog.

No words I can muster can describe her properly

We hung out and listened to Radiohead while I caught myself staring adoringly and devising a way to spend far more time with her. She had other plans after a few hours and borrowed a lighter and was on her way again. I have yet to see this beam of light since but I hope to one day finish what was begun on that radiant island day.

That night I returned to the Blanco bar where another beautiful girl (there are literally no unattractive girls on the island) asked if I would like to pick some songs for the party. Of course I obliged and then after about 5 songs she hired me on for the night. My job consisted of handing out flyers for the bar then coming back to play beer pong and “sexy jenga,” which if you haven’t played before is highly recommended, provided the female to male ratio is tipped in a favorable balance. The loser has to strip down completely and run into the ocean. Pictures will not be included, sorry guys.

My boss Sean on the left, and some coworkers

Our Aussie and Kiwi friends

More fire!

No recollection of being on the back of this guy or having my picture taken while doing so

Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

In any case we spent the rest of our time on Phi Phi laying in any half decent hammock we could find and drinking mango shakes. 

The hammock life

Caught the ferry back to the Canadian Consulate of Jen and Dean’s for a couple days to  unwind again, unfortunately we found out about Patong beach which is only a 15 minute drive from Jen’s. Unwinding is the exact opposite of Patong.

My blogging process

Happy bday Deano!

Koh Phi phi I will see you again,
Daniel Double-u

Our virgin island (Koh Phi Phi, part one)

You think you know Thailand by now, you start to meet the locals and begin to communicate poorly enough to stop getting ripped off. You think that you are getting a handle on the culture and the way things are run and then something like Koh Phi Phi comes along and smacks you right in the face, and the arm, and the leg.

Let's go to Phi Phi island

We got to the ferry station fighting a pretty standard hangover and see our boat. Two to phi phi please? Return ticket, I don’t want to get stuck there like so many lost souls before us have. As we board we find a seat next to some gorgeous girls who just happen to be from Canada. (We really do have some of the hottest girls on the planet).

Setting off gunpowder right beside

The boats out here are luxury, depending on how you want to travel. If you want to longtail that is fine too but I would rather not spend my time crossing the ocean doubled over and clutching the rail like I’m about to lose Clooney in Gravity (spoiler alert?).

She looks beautiful

Picture of the trip so far

We arrive at the docks on the island and chaos ensues. Luckily we've learned to stay away from the hordes of Thais trying to get you to come here or go there. We gravitate towards the reggae bar that features a boxing ring right in the bar where absolutely anyone can fight each other with full pads and headgear. Ryan and I made a pact to beat the living crap out of each other that night. Like many things we planned to do however, we drank too much and it would have been like a couple 180 pound babies hitting each other with sacks of jello and tears.

Some cool English girls

The guy in the red was losing

Until we fed him some buckets and gave him some pointers

Yeah that's right

Decided to stay across the street. 800 baht, not bad. Met a couple Aussies and I set off to get the maple leaf on my heart with a bamboo needle. Mostly every shop on the island is owned by a mean lookin’ mofo of a former boxing champion named Leo. He took one look at my skinny white ass and I’m pretty sure he told them in Thai to charge me double. Nope.

Amazing artists, waaaay too much money

Finally found a place to it for a reasonable price and set to it. Still needs some work but that will work itself out. I ended up thanking them with a flag I had brought from home and put some Calgary Flames on it. Had to balance out the giant Canucks flag they had hanging in there. Cause you know, fuck the ‘nucks.

More my speed

Feels good!

Thanks Tapear Tattoo

King, putting up the flag

Looks good

That is when the fire started. Not sure who started it but we didn't. Oh there was a flaming skipping rope. Yup. Burn on the leg from that one.

Oh there is a flaming hoop to jump through! Yup. Burned my wrist.

Oh limbo awesome! Even more awesome when you soak the bar in kerosene and light that shit up! Yup. Burned my face pretty gnarly on that one. Luckily it’s in the spot where I can’t grow hair anyways so at least now I have an excuse. Oh and after every daring (stupid) stunt you pull, they have a shot of something interesting waiting for you at the end. 

Welcome to Phi Phi Island assholes,
Daniel Double-u