ELEVENEVELE 11:11

I don't know what motivation is, or how I'm supposed to get it, or keep it.  Some days I feel destined for greatness and some days I am full of self-doubt and wonder how I can even feed my son for another month.  I've been put on hold for a year, good. A year of my life hasn't been stolen, this is a gift. I have to look at it as a gift. I can use it to create, to improve and use it as a cocoon towards emerging a fully realized,  super powered version of the man I used to be. That is what will happen.  Gym everyday, read everyday, write everyday, better man-better person, inside-out.  But how do I leave the shitty parts of myself behind while levelling up the good parts? Surely I have good parts, I just need to tap into the right aspects to do this with. Destroy the ego, inflate the creative.  The first draft of anything is shit - that's a Hemingway quote I've subscribed to since I was young and actually wrote, but if it's taken me 10+ years to write the fir...

 I am in there somewhere still.  I have had a shitty year, to put it mildly. Do not take that statement lightly, I have had a down year to rival all the down years I've seemed to have since being a misguided teenager. Life hasn't been easy.  Despite this, until last year I always held a silent optimism that my world and precarious life would turn out. No matter what happened to me, I saw the good in people and still held an enormous amount of love for my friends. Looking back now, perhaps that was to a fault, but I saw the good in people until I got got by trusting the wrong ones.  Perhaps it was a case of misplaced affection (or several), but I truly wanted anyone I was even remotely close to, to succeed, and would constantly have good things to say about people to push them in that direction. I was never one for badmouthing people, and could not understand those who spoke poorly about their "friends." I have made some mistakes along the way, as we all have, but I w...

 I am not a stone. quite the opposite the daily occurrences of triviality affect me in ways I wish I could control more. I am hoping  to harden soon. 

 CAN'T KILL ME

Strike through Live through this.  As wildfires continue to rage and the rest of us continue to close off our senses, the seasons blur away from the mean, and we mourn the losses without considering the source. This world is a shit-show ride and its easy to get caught up in the backdraft of it all.  Nobody reads this writing anymore, good. One can get lost in self indulgence when you think there is an audience. True art is not for them, it's an expression. True art is the dying breath of a man who doesn't care anymore for the masses. Art isn't in the details, it's in the ether. It explodes outwards and covers us (perceived or indifferent) in blood and guts.  Breathe through it.  Feeling like shit is such an exercise in frustration. Exercising is such a maintenance grind. Living is a grind, life is a crap-shoot. It can get away at any moment and seem a billion miles away from reality. It is (in reality) a trillion miles away from anyone else. If you think any differen...

 One day, we'll stop floating in chemicals at a loss for the pedestals since we've always been living in fear   Tomorrow, we'll start acting on intentions those familiar engines that have always been keeping  us near   Yesterday, we wrapped all the levity  gave it all for the misery and left all your endings in another's unlucky veneer   We'll climb up and leave the world  behind We'll blow up and finally leave eachother  this time... Goodbye

Life IS worth living, until it isn't. People ARE amazing, until they aren't.  Facing your own mortality is scary business. But it's true... you will die.  Life can hold so many wondrous and even more terrible things. I love so much about this life, and I abhor so much about what happens during it.  Music is one of those magical experiences that humans create. I have never been closer to GOD than I have when I am listening to good music. The power that instrument, lyrics and/or a voice can hold, when put together in the right way, is truly indistinguishable from ecstasy or from our ideals of HEAVEN. If you find a song or an album that makes you cry, grin, or gives you goosebumps and that warm feeling everywhere... you've discovered something purely mystical and as close to the good side of the spectral human experience as it gets.      I remember hearing "The Dark Side of the Moon" for the first time, or "Kid A." These types of albums and songs trans...

I’ll start at the beginning.  My Dad did not like me. We can’t even begin to describe any sort of love when like wasn’t on the table. He did not like my mom, and he did not like his children, besides maybe one. Even then he treated her like shit as well. He was a bad human who showed a glimmer of good human once every few years, just enough to think he was not a complete asshole. He was an asshole. He was likely Un-diagnosed with mental issues such as bipolar disorder, depression, and some variety of narcissistic personality disorder. I begin with him because I am still recovering from the years of abuse that he laid upon our family. This is not a “woe is me” type of essay, it is an apology. One domino fell into another until I did some regrettable things that I have to take 100% accountability for. Having regret for your actions and taking accountability are not mutually exclusive events in your life, often they present as two ingredients in the same sandwich. This is what th...

All you need is Something on you feet, and a little bit of money, and a lot of time. This can be the best life imaginable. We are only held in by imaginary bars, unless you are crumbly and criminally minded, then the bars can be very real.  Don’t be sad that it’s over, be thrilled because you experienced the neon.  You are good enough to do this. It’s the only way. Don’t let the whole world break you down. A new day will come around.  Slow dance through airports back home and go gather enough to get back as soon as you can.  NEON EXPERIENCE .    Genius mf'n Song... listen to it on repeat until it becomes you   I’d go dancing in the dark with you anytime. But only the lucky have been around so far.  Be fine treat the locals with a kindness as familia. Become tight with the locals, BE the local, whatever locality you end up in. Soak in the sun and dance in the rain. From the Favelas to the Penthouse there is always time for dancing.  Everything...