Nutshell Musing

I’ll start at the beginning. 

My Dad did not like me. We can’t even begin to describe any sort of love when like wasn’t on the table. He did not like my mom, and he did not like his children, besides maybe one. Even then he treated her like shit as well. He was a bad human who showed a glimmer of good human once every few years, just enough to think he was not a complete asshole. He was an asshole. He was likely UN-diagnosed with mental issues such as bipolar disorder, depression, and some variety of narcissistic personality disorder.

I begin with him because I am still recovering from the years of abuse that he laid upon our family. This is not a “woe is me” type of essay, it is an apology. One domino fell into another until I did some regrettable things that I have to take 100% accountability for. Having regret for your actions and taking accountability are not mutually exclusive events in your life, often they present as two ingredients in the same sandwich. This is what the following writing will entail.

Because my father never liked me, I lived the better part of 30 years oscillating between wondering why, hating myself as much as he appeared to, and making my whole life about trying to gain some sort of affection from a man that was incapable of affection.

At different times in my life, I have tried to drink those memories away, tried to fuck them away, tried to numb myself in any type of fashion available to me to forget, and finally tried to have anyone I met who didn’t show me affection eventually turn around and love me. Spoiler: that does not happen.

So, I struggled my whole life (until now), looking for a way for the world to love me. And I looked for that in the wrong people. The people who were rude, mean and generally terrible people became my mission. My whole reason for existing became to win the worst types of people over. People like my father, people that only cared about themselves and were generally incapable of love, were the ones that I was drawn to.

I was continually shown by these types of people that they disliked me and were willing to show massive disrespect to me at every turn. I of course would lap that shit up, as it became even more enticing to me the worse I was treated. I did this in my romantic relationships, I did this with my friendships, I did this with anyone I had met. I thought (until recently) that I was just showing loyalty and eventually they would see that I was a good person worthy of their affection and praise. When that never came, my self-worth which was tied to this directly, would plummet. And I would lash out against myself for not winning over the affections of bad humans. At times I would internalize, and at times I would have moments of clarity to disrespect shown towards me and lash out. But at the end of the day, it was me I was the issue. You can’t blame a snake for biting you, that is their nature, but you can blame yourself for getting too close to snakes in the first place, and I continually did.

This is not a plea for a returned reputation, that is far behind me. The problem with the types of people that I strive(d) to impress, was that they were often master manipulators. Narcissists with all the charming qualities that accompany them. So, the more I had moments of lashing out because of disrespect, the more they would try to control the situation in their favour and rip me to shreds in order to not have others catch on to the games they are playing.

I am not claiming to be the greatest person. I have many flaws and I have made so many mistakes. But at the end of the day, I have a huge heart, and I would do anything for someone who loved me, I have just been searching for that love in the exact opposite place I should be.

Well, that ends now. From now on I will turn towards the genuine and be incredibly careful when giving any piece of me away to anyone. I will let those know who are important, exactly what they mean to me, and how beautiful I think they are. I also have to make a promise to myself that I will be extra careful and judgmental, as I have already made the mistake of letting snakes in and the inevitable result is a world of pain and snakebite woes.

This is the catalyst for change in my life.

Thank you to all those who are genuine and especially thank you to the snakes for taking this as far as it would go, to show me that there is no succeeding in winning over the type of person my father was.

I still love, and I still care about people immensely. The only thing that has changed is an extra-sensory perception for those who do not love back, never did, and never will.