Darkest before the Dawn

 I don't feel good today, I feel alone and unwanted. I feel used. I think I've chased off anyone who holds any love for me in a way that I've lost all my supports and am flapping in a violent stormcloud. It doesn't feel good. 

I am in a dark place and at a dark moment in my life. 

I know I will get through this though. Just a few months and my life should open back up again. I have to remain vigilant and keep moving forward. I've come too far to stop now and only come this far. 

I can and will survive this, I've survived worse and battled through tough times before. This one seems bleak in the moment but I will get through. I have to, I have an amazing 10 year old son that is relying on me getting through this. 

I have so much to be grateful for. A roof over my head, enough money to survive, a means of transportation, mostly healthy. 

I can do this. 

Keep moving forward.  

6. To my Son: Never give up

 Things will get hard!

 Your life will include hardships and struggle constantly. Everyone's does. There will be times where you don't feel like you are getting what you deserve or life is throwing you a bunch of curveballs. It will be an easy thing to want to stop trying and give up. DO NOT GIVE UP. 

You didn't come this far, to only come this far. All your life you have been working towards this moment, and the next moment in your life. And you have done and accomplished so much. Often when things seem the most helpless is when your spirit will shine through and you'll get what you deserve, but only if you keep trying. If you stop trying you will get what you deserve as well. 

 Keep moving forward, little by little, day by day, and you will achieve what you want, I promise. If you give up, you admit defeat... you admit to those who doubted you or wanted you to fail, that they were right.  

This will happen multiple times over the course of your life. I am 41 as I write this and I'm still battling many hardships. I am almost through though and I have had many chances to give up. I can't give up so I can give you the life you deserve. If I give up I am not giving you the opportunities that you deserve. 

 You are an amazing person. You will go far in life, you have a great work ethic and an even better head on your shoulders, you are caring and funny and helpful in all the right ways. 

 Keep moving forward and life will work out fine. 

 Love you so much, 

Dad

 

The Good Ending.

Has every story been told? Is there anything original left to say or are we just rehashing Gilgamesh and Shakespeare over and over and over? The masters lived before us and it's now up to us to create something recognizable from their ancient ashes. 

No, I think not. Individually, we each tell our own story as best we can. Creating something entertaining to others should be an entirely secondary endeavour towards creating a story each of us can be proud of and be remembered by. Everybody loves an underdog but everyone is the underdog in their own story. We have to fight to tell our own story and claw for every inch we can. There is something original within us, each of us. It is up to us individually to write the good ending or the bad one. 

 My underdog story is likely only known to myself as I surely have a ton of people in my past who would like to see me fail. To them, I am not an underdog but rather just a mutt who deserves the worst in life. I have surely done some people wrong in my past as the only thing I was ever really good at was writing and fighting. So I'd write about my problems and create problems to write about. Whether those problems were real or imaginary is anyone's guess. 

 But I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Beating myself up over the issues I've caused has run it's course. To those I've hurt, I do apologize but it's time to move on and get back to writing the good ending. 

 New beginnings mean a different story, a different path, and a different way of living that story within itself. Every step taken from now forward must be a measured and intent filled one. That could be a massive leap one day or a toe across the line others, but there is no time left for looking back or following the rear view mirage of days passed. 

Time for the good ending to start.