I don't know what motivation is, or how I'm supposed to get it, or keep it.
Some days I feel destined for greatness and some days I am full of self-doubt and wonder how I can even feed my son for another month.
I've been put on hold for a year, good. A year of my life hasn't been stolen, this is a gift. I have to look at it as a gift. I can use it to create, to improve and use it as a cocoon towards emerging a fully realized, super powered version of the man I used to be. That is what will happen.
Gym everyday, read everyday, write everyday, better man-better person, inside-out.
But how do I leave the shitty parts of myself behind while levelling up the good parts? Surely I have good parts, I just need to tap into the right aspects to do this with. Destroy the ego, inflate the creative.
The first draft of anything is shit - that's a Hemingway quote I've subscribed to since I was young and actually wrote, but if it's taken me 10+ years to write the first draft, how the fuck long is it going to take to finish? Do I need an editor? Do I need a therapist? Life coach? Yes
Is motivation enough to pull me out of this deep depression? No matter how it was caused, I think that may be the only answer. Without the crutches of alcohol and nicotine, I may be a bit creatively hobbled, but I will not let that paralyze my output. Alcohol may help to remove inhibitory factors in creativity, but the ideas and the thoughts are mine. They just need to be freed from sober-thought shackles and let out into the world again.
That's what this year is about. Motivation is breaking the chains of mediocrity and the whispers of not good enough.
Fuck the hate, return to love. Be the best version of who you are, and never forget the balance to all things.
