I am in there somewhere still.
I have had a muthafuckin' bitch of a shitty year, to put it mildly. Do not take that statement lightly, I have had a down year to rival all the detestable down years I've seemed to have since being a misguided teenager. Life hasn't been easy.
Despite this, until last year I always held a silent optimism that my world and precarious life would turn out. No matter what happened to me, I saw the good in people and still held an enormous amount of love for my friends. Looking back now, perhaps that was to a fault, but I saw the good in people until I got got by trusting the wrong ones.
Perhaps it was a case of misplaced affection (or several), but I truly wanted anyone I was even remotely close to succeed, and would constantly have good things to say about people to push them in that direction. I was never one for badmouthing people, and could not understand those who spoke poorly about their "friends."
I have made some mistakes along the way, as we all have, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone and I care so much about my people, no matter how big or small my circle of trust will ever become.
I am well-aware I live a rather twisted type of charmed life, I fully recognize that I became lucky by proxy of a wealthy father passing away and leaving my caring mother enough money to allow her to travel endlessly and myself enough to chase my ideals of a good work-life balance (otherwise known as "anything but teaching"). I strive to never be that person that doesn't realize how lucky they are, I know I am a fortunate son in some ways, not so much when dad was still around but in the years since he passed I have had everything I need and most of what I have wanted.
But no amount of money could prepare me (and our family) for this year.
Bang, my sister died, in a completely unexpected and devastating fashion she died. It tore what was left of our (now) little family from it's roots and nothing was ever the same again.
Pow, a friend who I had known for years did everything short of trying to bury me alive by completely separating from me in an incredibly vulnerable time of my life. Destroying the business idea we were involved in after I had sunk countless hours into creating a brand and marketing plan from the ground up. My world began to spin.
Boom, in my lowest state I reached out to a girl who I dearly, dearly loved but was very, very bad for me. We started "dating" again and she defaulted back to her 20 year old self, showing zero support for me and basically using me for her own traumatized support dog purposes. She would never stoop so low to read anything I write but if she ever does, I sincerely hope you find the help you need. Hurt people undoubtably hurt people and in this case, it was just two hurt people bleeding on each other, no way to heal while they are both about to bleed out. Our little reconciliation lasted about two terrible months.
Crack (the attempted death blow), I spent most of my adult life hanging out in pubs, and got involved with some pretty shitty people. One of them, broke up with her boyfriend (who I later learned she was serially cheating on, with me and multiple others), and then when I went to comfort her, she asked me to take a trip to Cuba with her. At first I didn't want to go but then as I had more drinks, the idea of sitting on a Caribbean beach crushing rum with a cute girl started to sound pretty good. After about 4 hours of her asking, I agreed. I bought the tickets that night and she confirmed through text message the next morning.
When the 24 hour period to cancel my tickets, she must have reconciled with her poor boyfriend and ghosted me. I went on the trip anyways, having a blast.
That night I went to comfort her I also gave her a women's hockey jersey I had laying around. There wasn't much connection to it, and I thought it was a nice gesture to cheer her up.
When I returned home from Cuba, I had no intention of ever contacting the girl again, but I wanted my damn Jersey back. So I texted her roommate. This fuckin guy started giving me a hard time and saying that I booked a trip without her knowledge or consent and just expected her to go. WHAT THE FUCK!!
So we argued a bit and he eventually left the jersey outside without telling me anything and went to work. Then he told my ex girlfriend at his work (we all used to work together), that I had shown explicit pictures and videos of her. This is a long and convoluted story that I am ultimately in the wrong about, but she did ask me to send emails of the same pictures to another friend in order to have him paint her. The roommate only saw a small clip of the video as he grabbed my phone from my hand while scrolling through the pictures farther.
They then spread horrible rumors that I did some even worse things (I can't even mention these without feeling sick).
I lost it on three people, the friend who disowned me after Myranda's death and these two complete jackal muppets, for trying to ruin my life. I asked them to gather the whole bar to come to my house and I would kill them all. I also quoted DMX lyrics and did not consider them to take anything I was saying that serious, it was mostly trash talk. I would have liked to fight them at that point, excluding the girl. (Anyone that truly knows me, knows it would be impossible for me to kill anyone, no matter how mad I was).
This is when they ruined my and my families life by calling the police and showing them these texts. Doubling down on the deceit and lies in their witness statements, they straw-manned their case against me in the most evil way possible.
This is where I eventually called a high-priced lawyer to sort everything out. As it stands, I am being tried for Uttering threats x3, and face a maximum prison sentence of around 20 years.
I have struggled with my mental game ever since, I was already reeling with my sister's passing, and now these people were trying to bury me further.
I no longer really trust anyone (besides Henry, who is innocent to all this and doesn't deserve his father's punishment, no matter how trivial).
I often consider ending my life. The spark for continuing on has diminished to a point that the flame is flickering with such a slight bend and has the distinct smell of a campfire after pouring out the final beer of a night all over it. Again, Henry does not deserve that and is the sole reason I stay away from the trigger.
I also do not want to give these people the satisfaction of ending me. To me this is completely evil. There are a whole slew of former friends that do not know the real story and side with them, thinking I asked this girl to go on a vacation and then threatened her and her friends when she said no. I find so much hate in my heart for everyone involved that knows what actually happened, but do not blame people if they do not know the true story.
If you have any compassion in your heart, and you read this and know me, please share it. The story needs to be told. I cant work until it is settled without leaving my son, that is not an option. I need the real story to get out.
These people (and their fake witnesses) are trying to destroy my life.
I will survive, I will trundle forward despite losing the majority of my friends and a piece of my sanity. I have learned much from this and do not deserve to be treated this way.
There is still that good human deep inside myself that I am not going to let a bunch of regulars at a shitty neighbourhood pub extinguish.
I will beat these allegations against my character, my conscience and my mental acuity.
Karma of knowing the real story will eat them from the inside eventually, but I need the world to know as well, so I can stop being persecuted for what amounts to a girl that belongs to the streets, and doesn't want her boyfriend finding out she cheats on him constantly, and is willing to completely ruin someone else on the off chance of that happening.
I will get better and prove everyone who doubts me in the slightest wrong.
Thanks for reading. Please pass this along to anyone that needs to read it, as it it is truly a matter of my life.
